Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
