My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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