I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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