she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
