the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
