I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Are we still banned from the library?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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