I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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