you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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