I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
