just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
