STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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