I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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