it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
