i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
