there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
