Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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