I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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