You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
