did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
