Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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