The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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