i already hear my dad disowning me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
