hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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