what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
