i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
