I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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