just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You ruined the universe
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
