I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
