A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
