you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
