Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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