We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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