Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
