God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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