I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
handjob tips. give me some.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
