How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
