i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
