Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
