Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
