We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
