i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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