it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
