Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I have tasted many bathrooms
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
