I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
