i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
