mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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