During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
