i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
