I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
