Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
