thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
